Oct 20, 2004 - 0 Comments - Uncategorized -

Bad Day

Today I had a real crappy day. I woke up and everything just felt wrong. I had the feeling cluttering my mind… the feeling of unknowing and unwillingness to do or want to do anything. It was like as if I had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. You know the feeling (or maybe you don’t) where you just think everything’s going wrong… where’s my life going… who have I become… is this what I wanna be… is this what I’ve grown up into… where am I going? So many question on a day riddled with so few answers. Plus not to mention the weather is really crappy. As if God has shrouded the people of Great Britain with cloud cover as if to say I don’t want nothing to do with you. I mean a little sunshine never hurt anyone. I guess if you look it from the other point of view all this rain helps things grow which gives a lot of life. I think today is just one of those days. Those days where you stop and think “what the hell am I doing” kinda day.

Sometimes you think why do these things happen to me all the time I mean all the things that happen to you to lead you up to this point. They keep on happening one after the other like a tidal wave of fury just coming and coming… are you not give the chance to succeed why is it always failure and disappointment in everything you do. When you try to do what you think is right and you think you’ve done your best but is it enough… then you’re just pushed back into the ground and you have to start all over again. How can this be, you’re supposed to have family and kids and help them to succeed when you can’t even help yourself. How could you do that to people you love. What kinda world is this? Sometimes I just marvel at the way my parents have come this far for us. I don’t think I could do something like that which they’ve given me, I can only hope to give the same back. But how far can this go until someone snaps or before you throw the in towel. Can you ever give up even when you try, or does it bring a new flurry of failures? Is death when it stops? When you cease to be on this earth then will it cease?

Someone told me or maybe I read it somewhere, if you find true happiness all your problems will go away. What is true happiness? I’ve never felt it or at least I don’t think I have. My thinking is that if you’re truly happy I mean really really happy like you’re content with everything in your past in your future and in the present then something is wrong. It’s wrong in the sense that it’s your time to go. I don’t believe you could sustain true happiness without the dude upstairs knowing. I believe in true happiness and I’ve seen glimpses of it. But to have it would be something else entirely. It’s a struggle to the end but when someone breaks that struggle and has found true happiness I don’t think you’re supposed to have that for long and you’re given a short cut to the way upstairs and it becomes your time.

My faith in God is strong and has brought me this far. He knows the things I’ve been tempted with in this life. So many times I thought of doing things that would have undone me. To take my own life was one of them. Many times the future has looked bleak and many times I thought it’s not going to happen, I’m not gonna make it. I would never wish this on anyone ever and pray that they never have to go through it. I always pray to Allah thanking him for so many things and the amazing opportunities He has given me. So many times I think it’s too much, I don’t deserve all that He has given. I count my blessings every day for the opportunity to live again the next, for the breaths I take, for the blood that flows through my veins, for the emotions I feel, the people I meet and for the family and friends I love so dearly. Allah has given me so much more that I would dare never ask for.

It’s amazing sometimes because things have a way of working themselves out, there’s no formula, pattern or time limit to how it happens, it just happens. I guess that’s why they call it faith.